Do I have to write what you want to read, rather than what I want to write???
Maybe you dun understand why I am sad... Maybe this would help...
Since young, I was known as that stupid boy... I never was able to do things right... Even if I did, I did it really slowly.... I couldn't sit still, I couldn't learn anything.... One minute I said I knew something, in the next 5 seconds, I would forget what it was....
Relatives look down on me... Classmates also look down on me... Even teachers..... To me, when I was young, I din understand why A had to be for apple.... The teacher taught us math, that 1+1=2... I asked the teacher back, why must it be 2, cant it be 3??? I was really weird, odd, to the extent of abnormal... When it came to results, getting lower than me means my classmates will be punished by their parents... I was at the lowest level already....
A teacher once asked why is banana good for us??? Weird me said cuz it makes us smarter... True to a certain extent... But everyone knew in fact that it was because bananas were rich in vitamins.... The class laughed... The teacher shook her head.. And I sat there blankly, wondering what's so funny....
My brother is smart... Rosyth, Catholic High, then on to VJC.... He is talented musically, represents Singapore... Relatives know he is smart, talented.... I was the lazy one... The lousy one... The dumber and blurrer one....
Results were bad... Really poor... A test question showed a picture of a pirate and asked us what it was... My answer was MICKEY MOUSE!!?!??! Seriously, that was my intelligence at that time.... No surprises why people looked down on me...
Relatives looked down on me... Not my brother... Everyone asked my parents not how well I did for my tests, but whether I managed to pass it... Soccer was all that could get into my head at that time, and was the only form of communication, the only time I was accepted as normal.... And the only thing my relatives did not look down upon me for....
For the first 3 years in pri school, that was how I was like.... The dumb dumb boy that knew nothing.... Then I changed.. I matured and started to feel... I did not like the feeling of being despised, especially by relatives.... No significant event changed me or my thoughts, it was just a sudden change in me.... I guessed I grew up then....
I worked real hard from then on... Everything turned for the better... No more looking down by others.... Till p6, where I slackened all the way till after the prelims... The wake up call was the results, which showed the best school I could go to was Hougang Sec... I was happy with it, just opposite my house, I can sleep more... But I saw in my parents eyes something... Worry... I was ruining my life, and they could do nothing about it... I decided to do my best...
With a 257 and an additional 2 from HCL, I could go to the prestigious schools... I settled for Cat High, caused my brother was there... I followed his footsteps... 3 years since I first set foot in, learnt so many things, made many new friends... Darrell, Desmond, Derek, Wilson and You Hong are the closest to me... I wont give up any of them... But I returned to what I was previously.... I tot that there was always another exam for me to improve, and I played... Till now...
2 more exams to go... 2 more to show the mistakes I have... 2 more for me to improve... 2 more before my future is decided.... I am torn apart by this... I feel ripped inside out.... My results are throwing acid and alkaline at me...
I am falling down from the top.... All the way down... Along the way, the hard and rough road, the stones and rocks, they scratch me, they cut me.... I feel pain... I cry.... I cant help it... I see the blood flowing out, I feel the pain... The long distance from the top all the way down, its makes it even more painful....
I look around me.... So many passer-bys, but no one stops to help me up.... And then I realised that only I could help myself... Only I can save myself.... To stand up, only I could do it... No one can control my legs, only me.... Only me, only I can make myself stand up again, and walk the long road up... Others can only support me... Listen to advice, hear the encouragements, and then make the decision...
Now do you understand why I am so sad??? You are not me, you will never know... You may be worst then me, but our feelings are different... You may feel worst than me, but you cant compare your feelings with mine... How can you even compare feelings???
I am sinking back into my abyss... I dun want to go back to who I was initially... I dun wan to go back to those dark days...
There's no point looking back, for the future lies ahead.
I dun want to return to those days... Where all I feel is the rain, all I see is the lightning and all I hear is the thunder...
MNM