My fatigue is increasing.. I don't know why... I have been resting, I relax.... But somehow it keeps increasing... I feel heavy.... I am tired.... My throat is starting to feel pain.. I am not as strong as before... A few hits on my hand has left marks on it....( Train till like that... Red and looks disgusting) People that dun noe me will think that I am inflicting pain on myself..... I dun ever do that... I find it disgusting and horrible... But then again, who actually knows me???
I pondered about it for the past few days.... I tried to find the answer... The result was totally unexpected... No one knows me... Not even my close friends....
I have been in deep thoughts, thinking of my life so far... My achievements... My failures... I was also sorting out my life... I thought about my future... In fact, I have it all rather planned out...
As I thought and sort out, my friends came into thoughts.... No doubt about it, they play major parts in everybody's life after all.... I thought about the times we had.... I had a conversion with Darrell during P.E.. I asked him his birthday and he duly told me.... I thought he was joking and kept pressing on.... He sweared that he told me the truth... I probed no further and the matter was soon forgotten...
But then, I realised something.... I actually did not trust him... I actually thought he lied.... I realised that there was no trust between us... Together for two years, yet the trust is so fragile.... Trust is easily broken but needs a very long time to build up.... Trust, something so fragile... I looked around me and thought.... Who do I trust??? I struggled to find an answer.... My friends did not come to my thoughts, my family too did not.... I found out the only THING that I trust was actually my stuff bear(Winnie the Pooh)....
I trust something that is non-living... Something that can't console me when I am sad.. Something that can only smile at me... Yet his smile is so warming, so comforting....
I start to question myself... I talk about true friends... But do I have any??? Someone that cares for me, or actually know a LITTLE of me???
Some forget me when they shouldn't...
Some make me wait in vain...
Some treat me as a gauge, not friend...
Some think they know me, but fact is, no one knows, probably only Winnie...
How many of my friends actually know what I want to be and do when I grow up??? Only one knows and maybe Desmond has an idea.... But he would not have known if I gave him the clues blatantly.... I am not questioning my friends... But myself...
I have not have any impact on them for them not to forget me.... The answers I found to some of the questions I have have been disappointing... If not hurting....
I am getting weaker... No ideas to what is happening to my body systems... They may give way anytime... I feel tired easily... I can't focus, even on things I love... I have many questions that I have yet to find an answer....
I hope I can untie all the knots...
I hope for time...
But is there enough left for me...
~Nigel~